Take This Job

Tuesday afternoon was my last few hours at the place formerly known as my job. I had my exit interview last Thursday and discovered that my timing is perfect. I have an abundance of vacation pay coming my way and because they are not replacing me, they are considering it a lay off, so I have unemployment coverage coming my way. I have health insurance paid for until August, but I just got the Cobra forms in the mail and am SO SHOCKED at the price of paying for it myself. A member of my writing group said it best, "Cobra is a kick in the balls." AMEN. Even so, I might have to pay it for one month, while we transition over to Graham's very cheap insurance.

Anyway, I was on my way out of the workplace, feeling a little sad as one is apt to do when you're at the end of something. I stepped out of the main building, looked up at the beautiful, warm afternoon...and TOTALLY ATE IT ON THE STAIRS. We are talking knees and hands to the marble steps. DOWN. I jumped up instantly in that way we all do when we feel weirdly embarrassed for falling and hoped no one saw. As I limped my way down towards the exit gates, I thought, THIS IS ALL THE METAPHOR I'LL EVER NEED. I fall down at this place and it causes me pain. So I tipped my metaphorical hat and walked to the nearest Mr. Softee and bought the most delicious root beer float. When you are starting something new, it's best to remember that yes you can fall flat on your face at times, but even moments later it all can taste so sweet.

Simply The Best

Okay, so as you all know, I had QUITE the June scheduled. We were in Santa Barbara one weekend, San Diego the next, and then 36 hours after we landed back in New York six of our dearest friends flew in from California for 5 days. The latter part you didn't know, because it was a TOTAL surprise for Graham's 30th birthday. When it became clear that we weren't going to get to the Bay Area for his BIG birthday, I started hatching a plan not even I thought was going to happen. I extended an invite to his best friends explaining the situation with all the disclaimers of "I know it's far and expensive and time consuming, etc." and THEY ALL ACCEPTED. For four months I have been planning and hatching and scheming , while my dear unknowing husband lamented about the sad state of his 30th birthday. I would listen to his moments of sorriness and outwardly be VERY sympathetic, while inside I was CACKLING with GLEE. Oh, was HE IN FOR IT.

I ended up having to tell him that TWO of his friends were coming in because we were coming back from San Diego so close to when they arrived, plus as a pregnant lady I just can't do as much as I usually do and I NEEDED HELP preparing our home for the onslaught. He was very excited when I told him, but he still had NO IDEA about the other four.

It was a pretty amazing moment when he came home from work Thursday night to an apartment filled with friendly faces. Luckily, we live in a digital age so I was able to capture it:

You gotta love the happiness. And the tie. Also, in case you can't see it--his "briefcase" is a Whole Foods bag. That's how professors these days roll, people. ANYWAY, he was very very happy. And what a weekend we had. There was LOTS of hugging:
And picture taking:

And sometimes picture taking with cake:And then because New York wanted to show off, it proceeded to have the BEST WEATHER we've had in MONTHS. I mean, FIVE whole days of sun? That is CRAZY TALK. We were sitting, finishing our meal, at our favorite Brooklyn bistro on Graham's birthday, when Lauren (our favorite waitress at our favorite bistro) rushed over to the table and said, "You guys, come quick! There is the most SPECTACULAR sky outside!" So we got up and ran to the street to join the rest of the restaurant and neighborhood to look up at the incredible sky:

It was pretty gorgeous. Also, everyone looked good in its light. Rosy and happy and content.

We had four days and five nights of just pure laughter, talking, exploring the city, eating too much food, spending probably too much money (dang New York prices!), and just having an incredible time of reconnection. I felt like we were all on vacation together. It RULED. Graham said it was the best birthday he ever had. And then he paused and thought about it and said, "I'm screwed for your birthday, aren't I?" Not this year, buddy. This year, the gifts keep on giving.

Matt

I'll be back soon--I promise! But until then, check out my friend and fellow writing group member Amanda Nazario's story "Matt: How It Will Happen" in Smokelong Quarterly! She asked me to illustrate it!

Graham is 30!

Thirty things I love about Graham*:

1. He let me put this picture up on the Internet
2. He sometimes cries when he says good bye to people he loves.
3. He makes the best pancakes and bacon EVER.
4. He ALWAYS does the dishes.
5. He calls elderly gentleman "sir" when he leaps up to help them.
6. He loves Fred Astaire.
7. When visiting my parents in Canada, he will readily shovel their walk and porch from snow.
8. he has the most beautiful eyes.
9. He makes me laugh every single day.
10. He loves ice cream with a passion that outreaches my own (I thought this was impossible).
11. He loves my songs.
12. He makes up songs on a daily basis about our cats and whether or not they poop (see #9).
13. He will forgive me for sharing the above tidbit with the world.
14. He has a crush on Josh Brolin.
15. I love that he is both the person I love to make out with and stay up all night talking with.
17. He has freckles on his shoulders that KILL ME.
18. He takes books about The Pentagon and Just War Theory on vacation.
19. He makes his students cupcakes.
20. He really LISTENS to people.
21. Sometimes I will come home and he will be dancing to Elvis Costello.
22. When we got married, his vows totally kicked my vows' butt. People STILL talk about it.
23. He is always the one person that gives up his subway seat to those who need it more.
24. He loves Thanksgiving so much, that he can get excited about it 6 months before it happens.
25. His favorite flower is the Gerber Daisy.
26. He invited me to his bachelor party because he said that I was his best friend.
27. He is passionate about not only being informed about the world, but about being engaged in things he believes in.
28. It was his idea to paint all the walls of our apartment bright colors.
29. He will sometimes have wise witticisms at the most opportune times. Recently, when I was having a hard time with a very challenging and needy relative and feeling bad about it, he said, "Summer, you can't meet crazy half-way." Very true.
30. If we have a son, there is no one I'd rather him be like than Graham.

Happy Birthday to you, my wonderful man.

*(this idea was totally ripped off idea from Margaret Mason)

Summer Pierre, you just quit your job, had a Gen X crisis, and are baffled by life--what's next?

I'm going to San Diego!

We are off to (hopefully) the sunny far reaches of San Diego, California to see my wonderful grandpa get celebrated for completing 90 years on this good ol' Earth. I am looking forward to the lemon cake my mom has ordered for the occasion, walking on the beach, seeing my amazing cousins, and meeting my week old 2nd cousin Mary Elizabeth. Just to spice things up, I will be working like mad on the final edits for my book on the plane so I can meet a deadline before our house guests arrive to celebrate Graham's birthday next week. I tell you, June is friggn' NUTS.

Thanks to those who have written me about your own experiences of parental and job question marks. I am grateful for every morsel of connection!

See you next week.

A Good Choice

Well, it finally happened: my job and I broke up. More accurately, I broke up with my job. I quit. I had one anxiety attack too many and I realized that I didn't make that much money and even if I did it wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth what I've been feeling for the last 6 weeks continuously and off and on for the last two years. The fear of losing the security in the face of all my recent developments and changes was making me fight what was only a matter of time in coming anyway. My fear was PERPETUATING the struggle instead of making good choices on my own behalf. I felt great when I quit. Now? Well, check with me in an hour. Or five minutes. My attitude and optimism has ADD. I feel like a neon sign flashing erratically: off on off on.

This has got to be one of the weirdest and most unsettling times in my life. I literally saw NONE of this coming when I got on a plane for Paris two months ago. I have to admit that while in Paris I had the distinct feeling I was at the end of something. I wrote it down in my journal, that the trip had the air of something being completed and tied up. At the time I thought it was just the end of all those years of yearning, and then when I found out I was pregnant I thought A-HA! THAT'S IT. But even that wasn't all of it. I went into work a couple days later and immediately more was waiting for me. And here I am in this weird land that is my unrecognizable life.

I am one of those people who believes in messages from the Universe and I have got my ear cocked to the air awaiting some DEFINITIVE UTTERANCE. I am still waiting to see what NEW THING is trying to be BORN. The good news is I have been working hard all this time. I have learned already how to live in a recession (it's always a recession at my house). As a result, I can buy myself some time. I also have things happening on the horizon. It could be worse--A LOT worse. I have a little more time at my job--until the end of next week. A paycheck until the middle of July. I have health insurance until August and then Graham's school plan will hopefully kick in. And if it doesn't, New York State will help out until it does. We are going to be okay. I have to believe it. And if I still get worried all I have to do is think about the way it felt to get up in the morning to go to my job. Remembering THAT helps. Believe me when I tell you, it was a good choice, people. I'll take this uneasiness over THAT feeling.

A Way We Are Going

Graham and I went and saw Away We Go yesterday, the movie about the thirtysomething kidults who are having a baby, and are searching for a place to settle. I saw the preview months ago, before I even knew that I was pregnant, and even then I had never felt so targeted for a preview in my life. The indie folkish music, matched by hand drawn credits, with pictures of a quirky and whimsical road trip of thirtysomethings trying to find themselves? Oh and written by the husband and wife novelist/editor wonderteam Dave Eggers and Vendela Vida--just to hook all those bookish McSweeny/Believer types? Yeah, they hit all the right buttons on my cash register, but at least I knew it. Then I found out I was pregnant and Graham said, "Oh, it makes the movie all the more RELEVANT doesn't it?"

I will say right now, critics be damned, I loved this movie. I thought it was hilarious and thoughtful and it is not only FANTASTIC to see Maya Rudolph show her acting props in a starring role, but it was great also to see a male character (John Krasinki's Bert) who had no qualms whatsoever about using the word VAGINA (with love and affection, I might add). What's more, when was the last time you laughed at a movie that didn't use ANY pop culture references as jokes? THINK about it. I felt as if someone I knew--a peer--had written this movie and that was both great and part of the problem. The problem with watching an emotionally accurate portrait of your own circumstance is that it either can make you LAUGH at your experience or it can PUSH ALL YOUR BUTTONS.

As I watched a movie of two people, who hadn't quite grown up, try to find their place in the world so they could help someone else grow up, all the comforting ideas I have about my artsy life started to feel uncomfortably half baked. I am a thirtysomething mother-to-be and I don't own a home, I am just starting to make a career, and I am still thinking of my life as transient. I have been thinking temporarily my entire adult life. I have lived in 6 cities in 5 states, always with the knowledge I'll leave at some point. Graham and I want to leave New York when he finishes his PhD and HOPEFULLY settle near friends and/or family. All the previous FEARS about having a baby that had dissipated came galloping back. What the hell was I thinking? How can I be ANYONE'S mother?

We went out to dinner after the movie and I was fighting back tears the entire time feeling as if my life had suddenly become as stable as a house of cards--how could it hold up another PERSON and where had all my time gone? What was it all for? For the record, Graham felt none of this. Thank God for the other person--for the most part we've only freaked out one at a time--and the other has stood there solid, truly being able to say, "It's going to be fine." This was Graham's role at dinner. He talked me down enough to revert to a way I like to work through most overwhelming fears. I counted the positives: we are in a good marriage, we have a home that can house us all, and we are both laying down a foundation of work and meaning that we can build on for years to come. Then, I remembered what I told Graham when he was freaking out, wondering if our home was as child friendly as a knife shop with gaping electrical socets. I told him about the home I was brought to from the hospital as a newborn: a converted chicken coop, furnished with furniture mostly made by my father out of nails and driftwood. They were living on food stamps and the money my dad got from painting the occasional rock poster. And I felt better. It always feels better to think about how differently you will do things than your own parents. It's the oldest trick in the book. Your parents did it about their parents and their parents did it before them. It doesn't mean you'll succeed, it just means for a moment, you believe you have a chance. Sometimes that's all you need.